Heartbreak: The Update

It has been two days since I talked about the inevitable. It maybe surprising to hear but a lot of things have changed since then. Some good and some bad.

I was told by a my ex boyfriend that he didn’t love me anymore. Nothing is more earth shattering than being told by the person you love that they don’t love you. It’s actually a worst fear of mine. So I guess I get to say that I faced one of my worst fear and survived.

I applied to a college 2 hours away from where I currently live. I took a leap of faith. My mother claims it’s my mid break up crisis. I agree. When you get out of a relationship you become impulsive, or at least I do. I start being rebellious and pushing my own limit. I needed a drastic change so I applied for late admissions at Algonquin College, I cut my hair and I bought a Macbook with the money I was saving for a vacation with him.

Now happy news for some, foolish for others. I got back together with my ex boyfriend. After pathetically begging on the phone for 3 hours on how we need to try again he agreed. Our situation is complicated. Distance being a huge factor. We have been in a long distance relationship for 6 months. It takes a toll on you. It’s hard to keep a spark alive when you see each other once a month.

Now I am in no way claiming I am an expert but all those advice pages are liars. Every woman in my life told me that I needed to cut off all communication with my Ex. It would make him miss me and then we would get back together. I know him, I know us. That would have never worked. It would have pushed him away. He would have just never talked to me again. He’s the kind of man that needs to be sat down and talked to. So go with your gut feeling. I did and I got him to try again and fight for our relationship.

No break up is perfect, not all of them have a happy ending. I am blessed. I know I am. Though I am realistic and I know that it may not end the way I want. He doesn’t love me anymore. That is a big order to fill. I know that somethings are worth it. I know in deep in my heart that if he was completely not in love with me anymore he wouldn’t be trying.

In the future I will try and make a post on how I won him back or I will explain what went wrong. Writing helps me figure things out. It helps me sort through my emotions. So I’m sorry my blog has been a diary for the last week. I promise next week is all about back to school!

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Heartbreak

I didn’t want to make this post if I was being honest. I’m someone who likes to keep my private life private. I hate talking about really personal things because it leave room for judgement. I decided to share anyways because I know I’m not the only one going through it and people need to hear that it’s okay to be sad.

I am heartbroken and it’s okay. It’s so bad that I’ve lost motivation to do anything. I feel like there’s this stigma after a break up that you have to put yourself together and become this boss ass bitch that doesn’t need no man. I’m here to say that you don’t have to always be okay. It is perfectly normal to feel like your world has fallen apart.

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It’s really hard to be in a place where you’re fine and doing okay. I have all my friends always telling me I deserved better and that I’m too good for him but I don’t feel it. I actually don’t want to believe it. I don’t want better I had the best and I am not too good, I was just right.

I even feel stupid sometimes. I miss him dearly and what if he doesn’t miss me at all? (No contact rule is in motion) I don’t want to be that person that misses someone that doesn’t miss you. It’s like my worst fear.

All I can says is that breaking up is hard and you don’t have to be this fierce person expects you to be. I tried, I bought myself a Macbook with the vacation money I was saving for our vacation together and I cut my hair extremely short. It’s all fierce things but it doesn’t make you feel better permanently.

 

Beach Essentials for a Beach Hater

I hate the beach. Yes, you heard me correctly. I hate the bird-filled, child screaming, murky water filled place we call the beach. Sand and I also just don’t get along. We aren’t friends. It also just so happens that one of my ride or die best friends convinced me to go with her to our local “Beach”.

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Sunscreen is the biggest must have. I don’t care what anyone else says. I am not messing with skin cancer. It will win. My favourite brand is by Aloe Up. It’s a vegan and doesn’t test on animals. Though vegan and cruelty-free is very important part of me it’s not why it’s my favourite brand. It’s very smooth, gentle, and not oily at all. To top it off it smells so yummy. It doesn’t smell like typical sunscreen which is awesome for everyone who hates how sunscreen smells. I have very sensitive skin and the product is Aloe Vera based with cocoa butter, tea tree oil and vitamin E which is all very good for skin. It always leaves my skin feeling so soft. I also have a Chapstick, lotion and after sun gel by them that I also throw in my bag.

Sunscreen*: Aloe Up Sun & Skin Care Products White Collection SPF 30 Sunscreen Lotion

My bathing suit and bathing cover are all from La Vie en Rose. I can’t seem to buy bathing suits from any normal place. I really need one that makes sure my boobies stay in place. I had to invest in someones that have actual support. It’s basically like a bra but a bit more comfortable.

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A water bottle is one of the most important things I bring. I drink about 72 oz of water a day on a regular basis. I am an avid drinker. I don’t know the reason behind it. I’m not sure if it’s because I get dehydrated often or because it’s something I’ve just always been doing. So, I bring a reusable water bottle full and sometimes I’ll bring an extra bottle depending on how long I know I’m going to be out in the sun.

A good book is something I will always recommend. If you like to tan or you just don’t feel like playing in the water like me, then you need some entertainment. I brought a book by my favourite author Gabrielle Bernstein. I always bring something light and that I know I will enjoy reading. This book is about creating a life with less stress, more flow and finding your true purpose like the cover said.

Spirt Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein: Spirit Junkie: A Radical Road to Self-Love and Miracles

I always have a good towel with me, sunglasses and a few snacks. Those are pretty self-explanatory items. I typically pack a bunch of fruits and veggies, especially ones that are water based just to get that extra bit of hydration. There’s always a place to buy food but it’s overpriced and there are no healthy options. It’s just better to skip it and bring your own.

Now being wet is one of the things I hate the absolute most when at the beach. I hate being half wet, half dry. It’s just not fun. It’s also not good for your vagina. Yeast and bacteria thrive in moist, dark places like a wet bathing suit/wet clothes, assistant clinical professor and OB/GYN at Mount Sinai School of medicine, Alyssa Dweck has stated. ¹ Honestly, who wants to mess with that headache. So, I always bring a fresh pair of underwear and dry clothes. After I know I’m done swimming I change. It just makes me feel better.

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Last but not least, my secret weapon is baby powder. I wish I could tell you where I learned this trick, I’ve known it so long. Baby powder is awesome for taking off the sand and helping with chub rub. I have thick thighs and the mix of heat and water is not great. It irritates my already sensitive skin. So I just put a bit of baby powder every now and again to remove sound and sooth my legs. This is the one that I am using and I love it a lot. It’s super cheap too!

I guess you can call this a beach essentials list for the beach hater. It made my experience way more enjoyable. Maybe I’ll even go again. Maybe. It’s a big maybe.

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Confessions of a Workaholic

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I am a self-proclaimed workaholic. I am currently working as a cashier at my local Walmart I actually really love my job. I don’t know how to explain it but I just love working. It makes me feel good about myself. It gives me a goal, something to work towards. Also, money. Who doesn’t like money?

I have been able to buy myself a lot more things. I am my own sugar daddy now. I don’t need anyone else. I am self-sufficient. It’s the most rewarding feeling in the world.

The only problem is that I am always working. I am tapping 40 hours a week. I have no time to do the things I love like blogging. I am honestly so exhausted when I come home that I just go straight to bed typically. If I finish early I just bum around till it’s acceptable to go sleep.

I really want to be this obsessed with my blog. My goal in life is to be able to blog full time. I want to pour everything I have into my work. As I said, workaholic.

I am promising myself to take at least an hour out of my day to dedicate my time to writing blog posts. I love it so why not do it more often? Why can’t I be this obsessed with blogging as I am with being a cashier?

The only answer I can come up with is that it takes time to get into a roll of things. I didn’t love my job when I first started because I was confused and scared. Maybe low key I’m having the same problems here. I am confused and not sure of myself yet.

That’s something that I’m going to have to work on. The only way to get better is to try and try again. Post more often. Put myself out there. That’s very scary for me. I hate being in other people’s faces when it comes to my work but maybe that’s just the push I need to keep going. I need the encouragement I get at work. I have clients tell me all the time that I am just a ray of light and their favorite cashier or that I made their day better just by being so positive. (Not to brag or anything)

I should probably wrap up this little ramble. I will try and make an effort to do more of what I love. That sounds so strange to say but I’m sure I’m not the only one that has this problem. It should be everyone’s goal to do what makes them happy and do it every day.

A Few Words on Graduation

img_2137.jpgI have been at a loss for words for the last few days. I couldn’t find the right words to even begin to explain how I feel. I have finally received my diploma in the mail a year after my original graduation.

For anyone who knows me trying to leave high school behind me has been an immense struggle. Even though I did the whole senior year, graduation and prom last year I never actually graduated. I had failed one of my core classes.

After a year of much disappointment and hardship, I finally finished my high school. Today I get to walk across a stage shake hands with the director and know that I actually did it. I have actually finished.

I feel like there is a huge misconception about people who don’t finish high school. I am not a stupid girl. I am actually very academic. I struggled with a language barrier. I had to do my whole high school in French, a language that I didn’t know very well.

Graduating for me has been a long, difficult, humbling experience. It made me have a new perspective of people who go back to high school. It made me want things more and try harder to be where I want to be in life.

Clara 🙂

Welcome, Clara. Your Blog Awaits You.

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I have finally got the inspiration I needed to start this blog. I have been sitting on the idea for months. I first started building this site in early 2017. I knew I wanted this to be my last attempt to be the influencer I wanted to be.

I’ve tried and failed many times to create a blog that made sense to who I was. I quickly lost interest in most of my blog choices. I found my problem was pigeon toeing myself into one category. I was tired of having to write about one subject all the time. I wanted to be free to write what I wanted without my followers not wanting to read anymore because I wasn’t talking about veganism or fashion specifically.

I decided lifestyle was who I was. I felt it was more open because anything can be a lifestyle from what you eat to what you wear to who you talk to. I wanted a space where I could just share my thoughts and feelings.

So here I am. Finally writing my first blog post. I am ready. I hope you guys are too.

Clara 🙂